unresolved grief

I heard a comment at the weekend that got me thinking.  The root cause of many addictions and mental health problems is unresolved grief.  I pondered this and last night had a very weird dream about my great aunt who died when I was 12.  I woke up singing a song in my head and it occurred to me to analyse my dream, something I have not done for a while.  We have all the answers we need to help ourselves within ourselves if we are open to letting them be heard consciously.  I realised that as a child I only felt unconditionally love by my great aunt and when she died I was confused.  

I have been reading a book on time management and NLP.  It mentioned about open loops in the mind.  Things that are left unfinished can niggle away at your subconscious,  small things as well as big and the book I was reading said that the unconscious cannot distinguish between he big and the small things.  For years I thought it was a little toy duck that I was missing.  It is a standing joke that the root of my problems is that my mother gave away my duck to the poor, as if we were not poor enough as it was. Maybe it was never the duck maybe it was the loss of the unconditional love of my aunt.  Last nights dream was vivid, in bright colour and very real. At the end I found the place I had been searching for in recent dreams and I woke with the realisation that I never grieved for my loss.  Children do not understand loss.  It is also perhaps a sign that my daughters need to grieve the loss of their father.  He is still alive but absent and unreachable consciously as he is resistant to seeking help for his many and varied problems.  

Grief is an important part of life.  Living in rural Ireland was an eye opening experience for me when I attended my first wake.  The tradition of the funeral parlour is now diminishing even in urban areas.  It is perhaps all part of the move away from consumerism, away from running the country like a business, and towards a society where it is OK to grieve, it is OK to have and show emotions, and it is ok to be a person and not a consumer.  I hope that I can finally grieve for my loss, for all the losses I am not even aware of and that I can recognise the need in others to give time to getting over those things that cause pain.

So today cut yourself even more slack than normal, as by now I hope that you cut yourself alot of slack, recognise the need to rest, to recover, to allow time to heal the wounds of life and most important dont force the flow.    

Happy Tuesday. 

the universe smiles

As I was sitting down in the kitchen hand feeding the lost dog my daughter brought home I thought how the universe was smiling at me today.  I thought of the expression and realised it was the title of the lovely blog vicki writes.  Counting our blessings is important and today I am taking stock of mine.  Yesterday I attended a wonderful seminar on mental health and suicide awarenesss.  It was a mix of professionals and "real people" as one of the professionals called us.  I knew quite a few of the professionals and realised how far I have come in my journey.  The local mayor organised it.  He spoke with such feeling and passion about the topic that I felt truly inspired.  He spoke about how until you experience it you cannot really understand.  For me my mental health issues are a bit like childbirth - impossible to understand until you have experienced it.  

It was a little overwhelming for me to hear the stories of others trying to find help for their loved ones or find a way to exist with their own problems.  Wellness is something that we need to work on everyday.  For those of us that it does not come naturally for then it is worth the extra effort.  My biggest breakthrough recently was to realise that it is ok to be vulnerable, and perhaps it is more than ok to be vulnerable maybe it is actually necessary.  I cried openly in public when I heard one lady speak about her experiences.  Had I done that two years ago I would have felt ashamed or embarassed.  One of the speakers cried and said something that helped crystalise the awareness that was building in me.  It is ok to be vulnerable.  She felt confident to be vulnerable in the safe space of that room.  

So today express your vulnerability, dont keep it locked away.  You might be surprised to learn that you are not alone.  And when the universe smiles on you smile back and say thank you.

oh happy day

Earlier this evening I was about to start a post about how the day turned out to be quite pleasant when there was a bit of family drama.  You never know what is about to happen when you have children.  

Over the course of the last few hours I came to realise how important it is to take change of my own life, to do what I think is the right thing and to trust my instincts.  Being an adult is about taking responsibility for my own actions, to do the right thing, and above all trust myself to know whats best for me.  For me being in charge of my own life is all about trusting myself and my own judgement.  Today was a good day for me despite the crisis earlier, despite the complexity of work, despite the HUGE electricity bill that greeted me when I got home, despite all the things I have started to remember that perhaps I was not ready to remember.  It was a good day because I did my best and faced up to my responsibilities.  I had forgotten the feeling of doing the right thing.  Its good.  It is also good to recognise that uncomfortable feeling when I know I am doing the wrong thing for me or doing something that I do know is just plain wrong.  For many years I think that right and wrong were forgotten about and the world became all about perception, about money and status.  It is nice for me to be back to normal again and able to trust myself to do what is right for me.  As the old saying goes, sense does not come before age. 

So today trust your instincts, when that little voice inside you says are you sure you want to do that? take heed of it.

Happy Monday and I hope to see out the rest of this week free of crisis and drama. 

just keep swimming

This morning I got up.  (That in itself I suppose is an achievement. )  This morning I got up and I just felt like crying.  The mornings are very hard for me at the moment.   The thought of facing into a day of other people and all their stuff fills me with dread.  Since my memory came back fully before Christmas I started to remember all the things that I allowed get on top of me and bring me down into the depths of despair.  Over the last few weeks I have been noticing so much doom and gloom and bad news around me.  More businesses are closing in the town, the euro crisis is deepening, there are many more cuts to our budgets at work, I could go on and on.  I am finding it hard to stay focused on the positive things.  I had my first irate call last week since I went back to work and had forgotten just how draining it is.  I sat through a progress meeting where professional people shouted at each other as neither side would acknowledge the point of view of the other and just stayed in defensive mode, all very upsetting for me as I remember doing just the same when my difficulties were ignored.  People just want to have their feeling acknowledged sometimes I think.  

So I decided to get up earlier than normal and do something to help me find some inner peace and feel grounded before I have to meet other people.  A quick spot of EFT tapping, a short walk to the beach, and a nutritious breakfast.  These are some of the things that people do every morning that I neglected to do for a few months, they are some of the things that helped me get well and now its time to just keep swimming as Dory says in Finding Nemo, its a line I used alot with the children when they were younger so that they understood to just keep going when things seem bad.  So today I will just keep swimming, go to the progress meetings, ignore the emotionally unaware who cirtisise others unhelpfully.  Today I will just keep swimming.  

I suppose it is finding the balance between what things seem and what things are is the challange for me.  I have a tendency to panic over the small and big things so maybe its time to learn to differenciate between the things I need to be concerned about and the ones I can do something about and the things I cant.  

The theme for this week will be : Can I do something about this and is is practical to do so?  Fingers crossed that it will work.  Need to find the sunny side of myself again I think.  The one who dreams of making bubble machines, and searches for the lovely elephant hawk moths :-) 

never say never

Am back to blogging again.  The last two months I have been getting used to a new job and I gave it alot of my energy.  I have started new job or projects many times over my life and I am sure that will be the case for as long as I live.  This time it is different.   I was really nervous and dreading it and thought it would either be too hard or too boring.  We hear so often that we create our own reality, and we certainly can.  I am now self aware and very aware of my environment and of others.  I can communicate well.  My self confidence is good. I have self worth and I am learning to value myself more each day.

I have learned a wonderful new lesson about how I still try to please others and still am inclined to put them first.  I thought there were no more lessons for me but never say never.  I want my self worth  and contentment to come from within and now that I see how much I still put others first I can change .

all blogger out

I have not blogged in a little while.  I have not been inspired to write anything.  I am working on the very basics at the moment.  Getting up, going to work, getting the groceries, having fun.  I have some personal projects on the go.  Life is changing.  I am moving forward.

move forward at whatever pace you need to