Tuesday, 14 October 2014

Alone again naturally

I have been trying to come to a decision today . Should I end the relationship . I decided to make a list of the good and bad , to be practical and objective . I saw a side of him that I did not like . A nasty cruel one and I remembered back to the time when I was married and my ex husband used to lie to me. I got so confused I did not know my own mind in the end. I had the same hollow empty alone feeling.   Nervous people like me often blame themselves fir the bad behaviour of others . They excuse it because of their own inadequacies and shame. I realised today that the overwhelming feeling was shame , an emotion that I thought I left behind long ago. But no it followed me and blindsided me . I was too busy doing things I thought  were important . I finally got some quiet time . Tonight I decided to reflect on life in general. I decided to look at the pattern of the times I felt hurt in the relationship and each time it came down to the fact that he acted without a thought to me or my feelings.  I looked for  things to balance this he has helped me deal with stressful situations and shown me how to believe in myself.  I have spent years trying to uncover where the shame cones from . I think it's too ingrained to find.   It is perhaps this that is the lesson : I am becoming aware of having to let go of shame. It is so easy to get wrapped up in the busyness of life and forget to take care of the basics. So it's back to basics for me.  Meditation , exercise, nutrition, love myself and my
Family and pets and friends. Give back and work hard. I compromised my fundemental personal values during the relationship.  I decided long ago that I would never again stay in a relationship with someone who tried to twist what I believe . I nearly slipped back . I might end up alone again but it is better to be alone and same and happy than to wonder if I am going crazy. If someone wants to be in a relationship with me they must share my values that is a decision I took years ago . I will not compromise on this .  I now know why I was confused . It was because I was doing  something that is out of alignment with my core self and beliefs. I hope that I will come through this and be happy again. Life is beautiful and too short to waste on those that do not value me. I wonder how this will turn out. I think I will emerge from this dip a stronger person and learn to really value myself . I think I have a new motto . Me first :)  nighty night 

Sunday, 12 October 2014

The urge to jump

Often, when I was younger , we engaged in the how would you kill yourself if you wanted to commit suicude ? Discussions . We also used to have discussions on would you turn cannibal if you were in a plane crash in the Andes and if yes how would you prepare your friends . Ah yes happy student days. Too much sitting around talking rubbish and not enough time at maths lectures . As usual I take a long time to get to the point . I used to say that slitting your wrists and taking a bath was my choice as it apparently was painless . This time 4 years ago I realised that my choice would be to jump off the highest thing I could find with the hardest surface under it so that when I hit the deck I would be fully and entirely dead . I recently felt the urge to jump . I thankfully recognised it as a passing thing. A response to being overwhelmed by too many changed one after the other . My limit it seems is 4 anymore than that then it jump time for me.  It turns out that the awful feelings I was having were a direct response To a physical illness . I have a chest infection/ cold/ tummy bug . All I needed was a rest . The reason I was so astonishingly tired was not depression but physical illness . The reason I was crying was because someone upset me very badly .
I have worked hard for years to regain my confidence. I slowly built it back up. I felt proud of myself . Now I am in a situation where I am unsure if how to proceed. I trusted someone and now wonder if my trust was misplaced . I wonder if I was perhaps fooling myself. I wonder if I am still fooling myself . In this situation I generally look at the positive and negative in a situation . I use all sorts of things to assist myself in situations like these . The primary one is sleep . I find it clears my head entirely . I meditate . I walk . I look at nature. I try to find the beauty in the ordinary.  I ask myself through my ri training what is an average response . Is this an average response.  So what is an average response to my current situation. It is average to get a shock when you get unexpected news of a non trivial nature.  The average time to recover from shock is 4 days to 2 weeks . Beyond two weeks it's called adjustment reaction . I had a lengthy adjustment reaction that I still feels colours my life. I became very upset when another non trivial event took place as it brought me back to the days of my decent to the black place . I am not going back to that .
So tonight I decided to read the cards as the symbolism in them connects with my subconcious and shows me things I am not aware of at a conscious level . The buried thoughts are redirected to my conscious mind.  The cards tell me a story that I seek to interpret through the symbols and meaning . There are so many symbols that in the multitude I pick the ones that resonate with me. The one that resonates is that of the three of swords . I must die to be reborn . My heart is pierced by those I held dear to me. That is how I feel now. I feel foolish that I was blind to the evidence . I feel foolish that I did not acknowledge the signs.  I know that I am not a fool but sometimes I do things that are foolish.   The other card that resonates with me is temperance . It's about balance . Moderation in all things seems to be a family motto .  So perhaps i need to practise moderation in my self pity . Moderation in my crying over spilt milk. Moderation in how much I trust people. Moderation  is not about doing nothing it's about knowing when enough is enough . I suppose the point if this is to find the lesson learned from this experience.  I think I had expectations that life was good and would stay as it was and just get better . I had expectations that love would last forever . That I was enough . The question is do I accept what's on offer now or do I withdraw . What is the average response to this situation. It is perhaps to be pragmatic . Not to trust blindly , not to have expectation that are unrealistic. I hear the voice of someone else telling me that this is typical behavior but I wonder what a typical response is . Perhaps it's three strikes and you are out , if so this is strike 2.  Or perhaps it's about the acceptance of our essential humanity . We are all flawed human beings.   So now I am off to read my cards and hope my tummy will settle.  It's unpleasant to be physically unwell and unable to walk off this gloom or to get physically active and clean my way out or it. On a sub conciuis level I must have been aware that something was not right as I started cleaning like a mad thing two weeks ago.    I had forgotten the comfort of vomiting up a stream of conscious " think in ink" . It helps clear my head . is sonething I think I will do again when the mood defeated me. It's time to get right back to what got me to this stage. Someone else was a role model fir me in self belief . In the face of certain defeat he rined fully confident in his own ability . Time fir me to take that on board fully . I know that I was lied to by some one I cared for and trusted. I was deeply hurt by the apparent memory loss. I realised that I broke core values to do things that were important to that person and subsequently I was told my sacrifice was of no consequence . At the time it was . So now it's time fir me to remember . If I don't believe in myself others will not. Life is like poker it's not always UHF ones with the best hand that wins. It's the one that plays the game the best . It's time for me to remember my backbone. I am a strong woman who has succeeded in getting to this stage of life . It is time for me to exercise judgement in what I do. If it does not suit me than I will not do it. I think it is perhaps time for me to focus on the things that matter to me .  It's time to dig deep and throw back far  and dig myself out if this black hole of my own making . Nighty night . 

Saturday, 11 October 2014

Have not written on here is a long time. I am feeling like pure shite . I am upset cross cranky hopeless  I cannot find enough words . I am angry . I have been living in a fools paradise. I thought I was happy  but sadly I am now unsure of how I am. Something happened at work that threw me right back to before my episode. It made me question why I thought I had moved on . I felt so sad and upset and felt like I made no progress at all . I felt like I had been living in a fools paradise . That things were not really any better . That I am still the same useless person I was . That I have been fooling myself about what I achieved . That I dint matter at all . I was left down and lied to by a close friend . I should have seen it comming . Again fools paradise . I thought I was loved but I feel used . Fools paradise . I used to find writing stuff down helped but now I am not so sure . I fell fir all the bullshit . I fell for the lies. I am a fool indeed . I should have known better . But them that's life you live and learn . I am very angry with myself for not realising sooner what a complete and utter fool I was being . I want to keep living in the fools paradise and that is why i am so upset and angry . I was happy there . I was in fact blissfully happy there and since my eyes were opened to the reality I cannot be happy there anymore. I am sad and angry about it . I dint even know how tongi forward now. I wonder if I will ever be happy again .