Wednesday, 27 February 2013

Speak up speak out

It has been a funny week on all fronts. I realised that I do not trust my own judgement enough and have learned to check with others if my thoughts are normal. I attend a wonderful support group now so I am blogging less as am learning to express my feelings in a safe and confidential environment. It is do good to be able to share things and be supported and not ridiculed or mocked. I noticed that recently I was clamping my mouth closed and had no urge to speak. I remember that childhood feeling of doing the same thing. So I have worked on that and become aware of when I was doing that. For weeks I have been feeling the foggy sensation of confusion and lack of clarity. I have been learning lots of new things for work and I think my brain was getting fairly full. So today I took a day off . I was supposed to be painting the kitchen and front room but instead I did a big clean out if my own room. As I did I felt the gig lift and my mind went back to the lovely memory that helped me get out of the black hole. My earliest happy memory is sitting in my mothers bedroom and watching her make the bed. Little sparkles if dust floating in the sir catching the sunlight. When I could not temenber what it was like to feel joy I searched for that first memory, something to trigger that feeling of joy. I keep finding that little trail of breadcrumbs I laid out for myself do that I could find my way back if I strayed off the path of happiness. It is do easy to let the bad triggers rule our lives. It has taken me almost two weeks to overcome the latest bad trigger but in doing so I not only overcame the problem I also replaced the trigger with a good feeling. This good feeling has eliminated the original problems that caused me so much pain. It was almost like a the slate was wiped clean and the bad stuff is now gone and I am free. Things happened 6 years ago that I left affect me very deeply and yesterday I finally  succeeded in dealing with a similar situation. I feel so free now that I think I have turned a real corner . Standing up for myself, speaking up and speaking out has cancelled that awful time in my life. I hope that I will keep moving forward with this and know that my voice has just as much a right to be heard as anyone else's. maybe now my inner child will feel safe enough to tell me what it is she needs to say. I hope that she can finally move on and grow up. It would be a shame if she stayed 6 forever .

So today use your voice without fear. As Churchill said you have nothing to fear except fear itself

A very happy Wednesday to you all :)

Thursday, 14 February 2013

Ginger beer

Sitting in bed drinking ginger beer about to read the next chapter of jilly copper , thinking back over the year. This time last year I could never have predicted all the great and awful things I did. I feel another episode comming on and don't know what to do. Should I rest should I exercise. Should I take to my bed drink ginger beer and read trashy books , what should I do??? so as usual I thought it was time to blog. I looked back on some old posts for the sign posts to show me the other way forward, the one that leads me away from depression. I found lots of clues but no real definate answer . I found some of the tools I forgot. Today was a spectacularly difficult day. I was reminded of the incident that triggered last years episode and how I forgot one of the best spots to use. Recovery inc works on the basis that we treat our mental health as a business and not a game. I know I am feeling unwell when I get an image of a frightened child hiding at my feet. My poor little 6 year old self is still with me and wants to tell me something. I must remember to allow her to whisper it to me next time she appears.  Inner child work helped me recover so well. It is most unfortunate she only appears when I am at work.
So how to move forward perhaps if I just stand still moving forward will take care of itself.  There only is now. So there it is I need to stay in the now, I need to make time to listen to my inner child, I need to be brave and stay in my adult.  Oh and happy valentines day :)