So heres the thing, now I am self aware there are many feelings and sensations I reocgnise. I had a minor panic attack to day but I know to just keep on going through it. I have a fuzzy feeling again. It is like a cloud of conclusion. I know now that confusion generally precedes a breakthrough. This one will be about procrastination I hope. I have been procrastinating alot for the last month. I decided to look at the things that were getting in the way of me achieveing the things I want. I noticed that too much stimulation, too many things happening at once, too much of a build up of mess at work of at home becomes overwhelming. I need a quite space to organise my thoughts. So in honour of my new years resolution I took action and went off by myself for lunch alone. I really do need my down time. So what beliefs are getting in the way of me taking adequate rest and downtime?
I don't have any answers but at least I have the questions. I have decided to work on a wellness project for myself. It begins with a Wellness Recovery Action Plan. I started it today. It is quite a heavy piece of work to do as it required honesty about my triggers, what I don't do for myself, what people should do if I have another episode. It is like a major emergency plan and an owners manual for me.
Sometimes I feel like I am stuck on a roundabout unable to get off. The bad thoughts try to keep me there. Today I started to panic because I could not find my note from a meeting. I started to panic and could not concentrate. I had that awful sick sensation, the hot waves of panic, the dizziness, the cheat pains, the total inability to calm down. I wanted to run home and cry. But now I know it was just a feeling, feelings pass and taking action helps. So I cleared my desk, I filed everything and still no sign so I let go. I decided to just say well so what, I will just decided to accept that I lost it. Within minutes I realized that I had filed it already. Such lesson for me. The jobs I had stressed about for days were in fact simple. I just need to cut myself some slack and accept that I am no longer the person I was. I blocked out all the stress, ignored all the warning signs and convinced myself that all was rosy in the garden. I am human, I make mistakes, I am still learning, and I don t except myself to have all the answers.
Today's lesson is to be kind to myself and get a bit more organised, stop forcing the flow, let things happen and don't try to control things too much.
