crawling back to reality

Over the last week I have just let go a little bit more than normal.  Now I feel the fear of the having to cling on tight to reality again.  Sometimes I can over think it all.  I know I can be in my head to much or in my body too much and then I wish I could find the balance, equilibrium.  When will I find it? Is it something that I have to work at or is it something that will just appear?  I have not achieved flow this last few days as i was trying to create a soft landing for going back to work but then it hit me, whose voice was i listening to mine or someone else and it was not mine.  I killed my voice again.  What was my voice saying to me before I killed it?  I think is I shall have to ask myself while I redefine reality for myself.  I would like my reality to be more fun, less anxiety and a whole heap less of jealousy and irritation.  I would like to be my authentic self - where ever she is hiding would she please show herself.

Ringing out my balalaika: The Hope Posy Garden

Ringing out my balalaika: The Hope Posy Garden:

'via Blog this'

Hope is a waking dream

I never connected with my catholic guilt until I was standing in a tiny room with a sacrilegious art installation which explored women's religious induced shame and our conditioning to serve.  So I tried something new twitter therapy, I took the word confession, searched it on twitter and then searched the next word that resonated with me until I eventually came to a point where twitter refused to allow me to tweet.  Evil evil twitter.   The results were interesting and my final word was natural instinct.  It was like a stream of consciousness flow but with other peoples thoughts.  Today's ones were God, angry, decision, mistakes, care, I care, I, has it going on, Stacy's mom has it going on, no idea, exotic, vacation, stalked, vigioursly, (i cant spell), vigirously, slaps knee, free, dream, hope: result : Hope is a waking dream.

I am on holidays from work at the moment hence the more thoughts and posts then normal.  I am also taking a break from counselling so that I experience things for myself and stop puzzling on where my counsellor is taking me.  I was becoming a little concerned that my need for approval was leading me on a journey to where she thought I should go so I freed myself until I explore this part of me that seems to be emerging,  but I digress.

The experience of being in a small space which mimicked a confession box albeit a tad unusual and the curtain going back really struck a chord with me.  I recalled being young and scared and my first panic attack at the age of 6 in the confession box.  My inner child work was most successful and I healed much of my stuff from all ages but lately, through my work on daddy issues, I found that the age which resonates with me the most is 6.  The age at which I had my first confession.  I recall the terror of the small dark enclosed space, the confusion of it all as I started to spin into the dizzying heights of pure anxiety.  I did everything I was told, I was obident I did all the normal sibling conflict stuff but essentially I believed I was a good girl and I should not be made to confess like the real bad people , the murderers and those that intentionally hurt others.  Even at a young age it was possible to see the hypocrisy of the Church and the political elite of the country, the cronyism and the pervading male dominated society.  I had been heavily influenced by the equal rights movement from an early age as the radio was always on in the house and civil rights and women's issues were the main things I connected with.



I confess that I no longer confess to almighty god and to all my brothers and sisters that I have sinned through my own fault and in my thoughts and in my word sin what I have done and what I have failed to do and I ask the blessed Mary ever virgin all the angles and saints to pray for me to the lord our god amen.  I do not want all that guilt and shame given to me by my religious upbringing.  I was a good little girl and I was right to reject their teachings of my badness.

So now I am off to take my trip to the dark confession boxes of my childhood.  I wonder if they are still there.  I know they are very much with me in my soul. Perhaps it is time to liberate it from the shadows of catholic guilt and see what life out side of the confines of the confession box is really like.  So I am  off to explore the dark places of my childhood starting with the confession box I fainted in, yes an extreme panic attack, and the church where I fainted, yes another extreme panic attack.  I should probably go to the video arcade I used to visit when I finally escaped from Mass to balance the bad stuff.  Or the place where my brother used to park for Mass at Christmas as he knew I could not go.  The day my mother told me she no longer expected me to go to Mass was very liberating for me.  Being obedient I still felt the need to pretend I was going until I was quite old.  Once all the Church scandals broke here she saw what I saw since age 6, an oppressive power hungry bunch of men with little regard for the true vision of the bible and what real Christianity was all about for me.  I am no longer a catholic, christian or religious.

So today I will live ponder my twitter therapy's result: Hope is a waking dream .

redefining my past , remaking my future

I finally had the moment that has been trying to get out since October 2008.  I can finally lay my father to rest.  I tried to visit his grave that day and failed miserably, circumstances got in the way.  I now know that we can subconsciously created our own circumstances and perhaps I did.  I got the swine flu the day after and it knocked me out.  I think it all formed part of my meltdown.  My body was trying to get me to stop and take stock of my life and I constantly ignored it.  thankfully I took note of the last episode or perhaps I would have got cancer or had a heart attack.

I finally realised that I was waiting for my father to give me permission, that i realied heavily on his judgement, that after spending years of arguing with him as a teenager I just gave up and did as he said, well mostly.  When he died I did not know how to trust my own judgement.  in fact I found out that he did try in his last years to support some of my crazy ideas when I actually needed him to tell me that they were crazy; he just wanted me to be happy.

My big recreational was that I can trust my judgement and he was just a human being with flaws like us all.  I can take him down from his pedestal and realise that I have a mind of my own and instincts of my own for very good reason.  I trust myself and I love myself unconditionally.

like water like oil

We often hear the expression;water will find its own level.  In the case of water it wants to be as low as possible and perfectly flat and level; totally in balance with all the other drops of water around it.  Certain things are water soluble and certain things are not.   Oil will mix with it but not dissolve.  It simply sits on the surface.  I noticed an oil slick on the water the other day.  It was beautiful the way the colours glistened and moved.  Just one small tiny drop of oil can spread over a considerable area and no matter what it will not dissolve in the water.  I have been pondering the realisation that there are people out there alot more like me than I thought.  Ages ago I read a book on motivation.  It says to find your own tribe; others like you.  I have been feeling a little like the ugly ducking for a while now- not fitting into my environment - being laughed at by the other ducks.  Currently I am on my journey to find others of my kind.  Like the tiny drop of oil I am spreading out seeking the edges of the other shiny sparkly drops.  We are not water but together we shine.

So today embrace your tribe or set off to find your true one.  Out there somewhere there are more like you.


Happy Thursday.

puzzle me not

I puzzle over things alot, I wonder why and wish I had the answers.  It helps to talk to like minded people who can help you on life's journey.  The older and wiser types Those that do know better.  I had the revelation that yes I might have a few odd ideas and yes I am a tad weird at times, however I am not alone in that.  It is nice to meet other like minded souls and see that there is a very rich and varied world out there.  I engaged in a world record attempt at the weekend.   It was pretty awesome , I love the totally absurd things like the most combine harvesters in one field or the most people dressed as nuns or smurfs kinda bizarre buts its all in a days fun.  Fun can mean anything and it can be sadly lacking in our lives.  I think I am currently mostly exploring the confining nature of conventional society at present and wonder why I felt the need to conform to other peoples ideals which are so very at odds with mine.  My current goal is to find my freedom and live like someone left the door open.  This weekend I did for a brief few hours do just that and the lingering feeling of joy has now been replaced by the question, what stops me from living a life of joy, self expression and as always its the same answer; its me.

I have crammed more into the last few weeks than  I would normally attempt.  So I will live by my primary rule respect and now I have a second one; fun.  I shall be engaging in all manner of entertaining and fun stuff and now I know what makes me tick I can just keep on doing more of the same.  So today go off and have a laugh, so something silly and remember to play by your own rules.  You have one life so live it for yourself.  

lessons from my dog; be true to your nature

I am currently reading cesar millans book on being a good pack leader.  MJ is pure breed boxer.  She was found my ED and we have her for quite a few months now.  She is fundamentally a wonderful creature and having her in my life was a real turning point.  His point so far is about keeping things in balance, allowing the dog to be a dog and to satisfy the dogs needs as an animal and a dog according to the breed.  Wow if only I could buy a book like that on being human.  Currently MJ is playing with a tennis ball as if it was the most interesting thing in the world, thus satisfying her prey drive.  Occasionally she brings to me to play with it too but she is happy just to be here with me, the pack leader, having a bit of playtime.  

I was not brought up with dogs and was in fact terrified of them.  I did not understand them at all until I met my X his dog was fairly cross and I eventually learned to master the dog.  MJ is totally different, she has a fundamentally sweet nature and is about 1% as intelligent as the old dog.  Still we are getting there with her.  

As always somewhere in this drivel is a point. The point is that we need to be true to ourselves and our nature.  I did quite a few personality tests to see if I could decipher who I was and discovered that I was the INFJ type, turns out I was trying to live against my basic personality type for years, same as if my prey driven hunter dog who needs hours of exercise was tied up in a small back garden all day long.  

I am glad my mind shut down and made me realise that we need to live as our true nature dictates in order for us to live happy and fulfilling lives.  Although I dont have a career deemed suitable for my personality type I have many outside interests in my life that are.  

 If I were a dog I think I would be Labrador although in my mind I am an afghan hound.

So as always be yourself 'cos if you cant be yourself who can you be!

letting the dog off the lead and other lessons

Yesterday was the best day of the summer.  We finally got a chance to put up the tent.  We made plans this year to go camping for my daughters significant birthday she will be twelve, but the summer has proved to be very very wet, without too many dry patches.  Yesterday I grabbed the opportunity to put the second hand tent we bought earlier in the summer.  Being the cautious type I decided it was best to have a trial run in the garden, luckily ED 's friends called so after I fed them they put up the tent.  It was a momentous day as it was the first time ever I used a BBQ.  I have always thought this was a mans job and it was one of the few things I left entirely to my ex-husband, so maybe 10 years without BBQing is enough for anyone.  As always I digress...
So continuing the the slow but gentle move outside my comfort zone.  I decided to run a little with the dog , she really needs a good run so I when no one was looking I started to jog, It was surprisingly easy.  It brought back memories of being younger and playing chase and the freedom of just being in my body and fit and young.  I then of course ate a big piece of flan when I came home , but there you go.  and to top off my day off edging up to the edge of the comfort zone, I let the dog off the lead.  Wow it was amazing, she did not run off.  I had imagined if I left her off the lead outside, she would just run and run and run and never come back, but I was wrong.  Our old dog did that at every opportunity he ran off.  He was my ex husbands dog and very old when we moved in together, and while we taught him lots of new tricks, staying in the garden was not one of them.  Dogguswoggus as she is affectionately known has a lovely kind and gentle nature.  She was happy to be off lead but it was just like she was in the garden with us, having a bit of a run around, a bit of a play, quite alot of jumping with the joy of being outside (mostly on me).  She did not even run straight into the sea as I had imagined.

I suppose I learned to trust myself and my dog a little more today.  I laerned that a slow genle meander to the edge of the comfort zone is ok and while others mught push me to exceed my limits I know where they are and it is just a question of moveing at my own pace to the next stage of life.

So today I will keep that in mind as I move further beyond the comfort zone. 

detach with joy

Detachment is something I really did not understand for ages and ages.  I read about it and I thought about what it means and it is only occasionally that I succeed.  the last few weeks have been challenging and now I am here.  I have finally succeeded in detaching from the influence of a few people that were dragging me down and I am ready now to let go and move on.  I am not responsible for how other people feel.  I will not take responsibility for other peoples feelings.  I am taking responsibility for me, my family and my life and today I just want a little of the old joy again.

I have become aware that I am lacking in flow at present and need to find something old or new to bring it back.  I the meantime I will put on my happy music and clean the house.  I might not find the joy I am looking for but I might find something else.

how will I know?

We all have relationships that do not serve us well.  I find it difficult to have relationships with people as I find it difficult to express my feeling of hurt or disappointment and shut them out when they hurt me, or I used to.  One of the good things about recovering is that I can express my feelings of hurt usually when it happens and I am learning to be assertive rather than aggressive or scared.  

So when do you know when to call it a day.  When do you know when to end a relationship as it does not serve you anymore.  That is my current dilemma.  I am not talking about a significant other here.  I agree with the whole don't believe everything you think school of thought as I know my thinking can be warped but what about when you feel that you do not want to do that anymore.  When you have moved on to a new stage and the other person has not.  When it is difficult to see the good in someone anymore.  How do you know.  Or maybe when you know how can you be sure it is the right thing.  Maybe simply detaching is enough.  I suppose I am just wondering if I am throwing the baby out with the bath water if I end this particular relationship.  

I thought I was imagining some of the behaviours, the little passive aggressive things that did not sit with me but that I was connecting with on a subconscious level.  I need to be more aware of those things I think and perhaps I need to raise them.  So last night after a particularly trying time I light my sage stick and started to smudge the house.  Gradually I became aware of where I was smudging and it dawned on me what I needed most of all was to tune into the feelings that I was feeling.  Smudging is just another way of manifesting and bringing out our true feelings.  So then I tried some abstract scribbling to music, another things that works for me.  When I woke up today I felt refreshed and I was ready to listen to myself.  I know what I want to do but I am not the only person involved.  It would be nice if we could move forwards to a better understanding of ourselves and each other but all I hear is that the other person wants things to go back to how things were. It is never possible to go back.  I took my leap again and I let go early this week.  I think it is time to trust myself that I know the right thing to do.  I suppose all I am really looking for is an endorsement of what I already have decided.  It is time to move on for us all.  The real question is are we moving on together or apart?

This week has been very strange for me.  I have been feeling very very anxious in the morning and have needed to make a serious effort to get up and get going.  I am very proud of myself for doing that.  I feel empowered.  When the balance shifts in any relationship there can be a bit of an adjustment time.  I have been thinking alot about the balance in my relationships and how as as the power dynamic shifts how the other person reacts.  I think it is only those people that are OK in themselves can readjust to the new dynamic and work towards restoring balance.  

I am OK with who I am, I trust my judgement and I know that right now I am in as good a place as I can be.
So what now?  Where to next? I cant answer that question right now but I do know that one place I am not going is backwards.  I suppose the real question I need to ask is: I am moving forward are you coming with me?


So today take that leap of faith and trust yourself .  You know you have the answer to all your questions somewhere within you.  The thing is you just need to ask yourself the right questions.

let out the inner scardey cat

I took another leap outside my comfort zone today.  I attended a support group for people suffering from depression and anxiety. I put on my confident persona and just went there after weeks of thinking about it.  It must have worked because the lady who was running the group did not think I was going in and almost locked me out of the room as I was she did not think I was going to attend that group.  It just goes to show how well we can hide our terror with practice.  That awful thing called generalised anxiety disorder has returned recently. I felt the first stings of panic about 6 weeks ago and thought that it is about time I learn to free myself from it.  Anxiety is totally crippling for me.  I lie in bed and cant relax enough to go to sleep, or wake up and cant relax enough to get out of bed, completely frozen by the fear of the what ifs.  Today I realised that it is not being able to fulfill other peoples expectations that causes me the greatest anxiety.  So I hope that I can remember that its all about me and when that awful tingly feeling start to creep up my arms and into my soul. Today I just wanted to pull the covers up over my head and sleep forever.  I blame the weather and the solar flares (as usual).  I did eventually manage to get up and get going but it took effort and courage.  So today I congratulate myself for taking further steps into the discomfort zone.  Every day I need to work at my wellness, every day I need to make the effort.  It was worth it today to get up and free myself from the clutches of anxiety.   It took three hours.  Facing up to things is a very important step in recovering from depression and anxiety and today was a day for facing up to loads of things hence the anxiety.  The thing is though that today I cut myself loads and loads of slack.  I was just not able to do any better than I did today.  It was my total level best.  And as I always say all I can do is my best.  Life can be hard but sometimes I make it harder than it really is by avoidance and catastrophising.  I might be living in the discomfort zone right now but I am at least paving the way towards a future without anxiety.  Time to let the inner scaredy cat out in the open.  

If only we changed colour when we were anxious, like those mood rings we had as kids, people could tell just how petrified I am sometimes.  I had forgotten just how horrible it was.  So tomorrow I plan to say it out.  I am anxious and this is scaring me.  It might even free me to be brave.  Hope you like today song I used to sing it with my eldest when she was sacred, and sometimes I still sing it for myself.   


So today do your best, embrace your inner scardey cat, maybe all it needs is a hug. 


Happy Wednesday :-)

other people

I am having alot of realisations around other peoples judgement of me and my family.  I have always loved the expression - let he who is without sin cast the first stone.  I am open about the difficulties we have gone through.  I am divorced, it was a messy and difficult marriage and it is still a difficult relationship for us all, but i work at it.  I have a daughter who needs regular hospital treatment, it is something I may have passed onto her and this has been difficult to overcome.  I have to remind myself that it was passed onto me too only it did not manifest itself.  I have the guilt of that.  I have another daughter who had a wild patch, I dealt with that too, she is good now.  It was hard work but I took the advise I got and got on with it.  I had a nervous breakdown, it all got too much for me, but I dealt with that too.  I have my faults I am a little chaotic, I am a little over enthusiastic, it is hard for me to commit to things as I  never know what my energy levels are going to be, I take on too much sometimes.  All those are balanced by the good things, I am loyal, hard working, and kind.  I suppose I am just a little tired and fed up of being judged by others.  Their lives are not so perfect either.  They just hide it better.  Their guilt is not obvious to them, instead it manifests as physical ailments.  They rely on religion or some other addiction to get them through their lives.  And yet they judge me.  I suppose what I am feeling is anger and quite a bit of righteous indignation.  It is amazing how intense the sensation of being judged is for me right now.  I was never as aware of it as I am right now.  I just want to go off and point out to them their faults when they point out mine.  So why dont I.  Maybe it would be fun for one day to point out the beam in their eyes when they point out the splinter in mine. Instead I will take this as an opportunity to reinforce my ability to communicate and stay with myself.   Time to open up my awareness of why I allow people to express their negative judgments of me.  

So I am off to release some of my anger on the house work.  Cleaning the bathroom is always a good place to start. 

leaping off the hamster wheel

I thought that I had finished with blogging and would never write another post.  Recently I have been running on the great big hamster while of life, walk the dog, work, home, kids, listening to all the complaints of the day , walk the dog, dinner, bed.  And then it stopped.  I went to a spa hotel for a few days.  I did not know what to do with myself for the first few hours.  And then I realised I dont take the time to stop and relax at all anymore.   I had been having the fuzzy feeling of confusion and did not realise it meant that I needed to take some time to relax and let my mind settle.  

I could feel the angst of others too clearly.  I forgot to feel my own feelings.  I could feel the discomfort of the confusion. I knew things were wrong but could not figure out what it was.  So finally a chance conversation with a friend gave me an insight into the problem.  We meet for dinner or lunch a few times a year and it is amazing how the insight of an outsider can give clarity.  This clarity is something I used to get from counselling and it is now a rarity.  

And so this last week I look a giant leap off my hamster wheel.  I ran freely through the meadows of freedom like and newly free hamster would.  I have been feeling judged by others and it has made me retreat onto the confining hamster wheel.  It is great to be free again.  Why oh why do I trap myself so much??  I had a lengthy conversation with someone close to the family last week.  I had not realised how much her judgement of us was affecting me.  So as any good hippie would do I went out and bought a sage stick to smudge the house! I still haven't smudged the house but at least I have cleared out the limiting expectations of others from my head.  I need to stick with my own views of what we need and forget about trying to conform to the expectations of others.  It is, as always, my downfall.  

So today I am off to enjoy my freedom and remember to live my life for me.  

As we say here feck the begrudgers.

following on from yesterdays post

The weather here is really changeable and I take the opportunity to get out and walk the dog in any sunshine we get.  As I walked along the beach the wind was blowing a fresh breeze my hair was blowing in the wind I could feel the breeze on my arms and felt glad to be alive.  Yesterdays song brought loads upon loads of memories back for me about my childhood and I remembered how happy I was for the large part.  A few things happened in our family to make it a less than happy one, my great aunt became ill and needed around the clock care and I forgot all those lovely happy memories.  I have to admit I am still crying at the realisation.  I just want to go back and give that little girl a hug for being so brave.  What I needed then was someone to explain to me in words I could understand that it was her time to go.  After that things were so different I never grieved and when the next bad thing happended I had no resilience.  It was not until years later that I found out about some of the bad stuff that had been happening to one of my siblings.  It coloured my view of my happy childhood.  Survivor guilt is something often  I often hear about and I wish I had understood more about that and learned to forgive myself sooner.    


Now i am realiseing the impact my divorce had on the kids, how my illness must have impacted on them.  How it is so hard to make sense of the world as an adult and probably even more so as a child.  It is my job to help my children learn about life and the world and walk beside them metaphorically holding their hands until they can fly off to build their own , self actualised , lives.  Roots and wings are the key to a childs happiness and mine were clipped too young.  

As I rounded the corner by the cove and watched the seagulls, egrets, and sparrows all soaring on the updraft I look a quick look around and when I was sure no one was watching I put out my arms and imagined what it would be like to soar.  It was awesome.




So today spread you wings a learn how to take that leap of faith that things will always improve, and you know what they just might.


Happy Friday to you all.  I will be taking many more leaps of faith and trusting that there will be a bed of feathers out there to catch me as I land.

be happy: live your life for yourself

When I used to feel at my lowest one of the many things I used to think about was what a disappointment it would be for my younger self to see me like this.  As a child I had great expectations and during my thirties I lost them.  Thankfully I am back to being myself and now I would be very proud to have a visit from my young self.  

The lesson I have learned this week is that the only obstacle to my happiness is me and my failure to give myself permission.  I have made some amazing steps forward in the last three weeks.  In order for this not to be a one off event I need to learn from what I did to create this success.  

I think the main thing is to be open about my limitations and express my feeling of hurt and anger in an assertive when when they did occur. In the past I would have clammed up and been upset for days if someone said boo to me but now I realise that what someone says can be mis-intererated so easily and often I do not understand what they really mean.  

I now notice others who are struggling with self expression in the same way I did and those that lack the self awareness of their behavior.  If I have improved so much in the last year I can only wonder where my life will go now.  I am giving myself the freedom to be me exactly as I am.  I am a wonderful person with many great qualities and I am glad to be me.  Self praise is no praise is a limiting belief that I now reject.  I have every reason to be proud of my achievements and I congratulate myself on the work I have done to recover my memory, my abilities, and my sanity.  At the end of the day we all create our own lives and we are the ones responsible for how our life turns out.  I have been on a real roller coaster of emotions as the world is swinging back towards an environmental where morals are returning and honesty is again being valued.  I am enjoying my life for the first time in many years and I am glad to be me.  

So today go off and congratulate yourself on all your achievements big and small.  Endorse the effort and not the outcome as they say in Recovery.  You are a wonderful human being and you deserve to be happy :-)

Happy Thursday 

sustainability-following my bliss

Right now I am exhausted.  Thankfully it is the exhaustion of activity and not the exhaustion of stress and anxiety.  I am working hard on one of my new years resolutions: Take Action.  Being an inveterate procrastinator I decided to adopt that motto for this year.  Call it an annual theme that I work on.  I like to use mottoes to keep my main goal to the forefront.  My use of mottoes stems from one year at work when I was working very hard and doing loads it seemed that people only saw what was not being done.  I adopted the motto, What did (insert company name here) ever do for us.  

But I digress.  I chose take action specifically to combat my tendency towards procrastination.  The main action at present is clearing out all the stuff I no longer need of want.  That can be quite and emotional thing.  Last night I discovered from my 15 year old daughter that it was my father and not my mother that chose my career path.  I wanted to follow a totally different career, I had no interest in perusing a 9 to 5 existence and yet I am.  As parents we have wisdom, knowledge and experience of the world and we only want the best for our children.  This can unfortunately translate into parents living vicariously through their children.  my eldest daughter want to follow the career I wanted.  I was concerned that she was only doing it as it was what I had wanted at her age.  This is something I discussed with her as I did not want to be one of those kind of parents.  I probably unconsciously influenced her anyway but she has real talent.  I was not as good as her at the same age.  And so after I discussed her choice with her recently and my concerns, she spoke to my mother about it.  I then found out that it was in fact my dad who put his foot down.  I recall the exact statement even 30 years later.  No daughter of mine is going off dying her hair oink and hanging around with those hippies.  I wanted to go to art college.  I went to school right next door and every day I saw the students with their canvas covered in paint laughing and happy.  I loved drawing and went to art classes when other children chose sport.  When I was told to drop art as a subject for my leaving cert so that I could do chemistry the art teacher gave me private lessons.  Looking back on it now I realise that she did that not just because I was good but so that I had some joy in my life.  It was pretty much the only thing I liked at school.


The parable I hate the most in religion is the parable of the talents.  I hate it almost with as much passion as i hate the bureaucratic nature  and misogyny of the church hierarchy.  I was pushed to use talents that I had but really wondered why I had to work so hard on things I did not like just because I was good at them.  It will be hard for me to forgive my dad this time, but I will work on forgiving myself for doing as I was told and putting my own wished last.

I have not been attending my counselling sessions recently as I had a block and now I know what it was.  Maybe he did what he did for the best, so that I could have a stable job, which I have, but what about happiness and joy are they not important too.  I like my job and I am happy doing it.  It is quite possible that I would have found my own way to engineering as art college would probably have been to airy fairy for me as I am such a practical person.  It would have been nice to have made my own mistake thought.


SO today think about the sustainability of what you are doing. Does it require lots of your energy to keep doing it.  Is it something that is automatic of must you work hard at it.  Hard work pays off but are you working on the rigth thing.  For so long my life was unsustainable and I exhausted myself pushing myself to be something I was not and trying to fit not quite a square peg in a round hole , maybe a dodecahedron peg in a round hole, almost fitting but only touching at  the edges. Bu now I know its OK to be myself and still do those things.  I am myself.  SO maybe I can come to terms with this new knowledge.  I forgive myself for doing things to please others.  Now its time to please me.

letting go

Just as I needed to let go of limiting beliefs I had to let go to material stuff.  I cleared out loads of toys belonging to the children and old book, college notes, out of date and unneeded stuff.  Following the example of my sister in law I was ruthless, well as ruthless as I can be.  I now have an almost acceptable cleared out dining room.  Since the arrival of our beloved dog, and her persistent desire to eat the rabbit I have had no where to relax.  The door to the front room has to be kept permanently closed so that the animals are kept separate.  I was unable to spend any time in there as the dog would whine when left alone.  So I had to rearrange the house.  Bags of stuff has gone to be recycled, re purposed and re-loved.  Loads of stuff has gone to the dump.  And finally it has been agreed to repatriate the rabbit.  Her original owner is keen to have him back.  Yippeeeee.  I never bonded with him, especially as he liked to bite me.  Never a good idea to bite the hand that feeds you.  So letting go has made me feel so much better.  My energy levels were not so good but sometimes its best to just keep swimming.  I acknowledged all the times I wanted to give up and I just plodded along.  

De-cluttering is good for the soul and the spirit.  I hated to throw out good stuff and found a great website where you can give away things you no longer need.  I think it was the belief that it is wrong to dump things that still have a use that was getting in the way of my clear-out.  So now I am happily photographing the things that are taking up space that I no longer need and hope that out there somewhere some one wants it.  

From this clear out I have learned quite a few things.  I have learned that it is best to lead by example, my children have started to clear out their old stuff too.  I have learned that there is more than one way to do things.  I did nt have to throw out the stuff that was useful; I was able to give it away.  I have learned that if someone gives you something it is them yours and it is ok to pass it on or even dump it if you no longer love need or value it.  

So today think about what you are holding on to that you no longer need. What is taking up space and energy in your life that you can let go of.  In order to make way for new things we need to get rid of the old things.  Let go and be open to all the new and wonderful possibilities in life.  I had Debussy on a loop on the computer while doing the clearing out.  His music is so fresh and relaxing at the same time.  It is perfect letting go music.  And although I am now editing my life I have decided to give up editing my blog, stream of consciousness writing is so much nicer I think.  

Happy Sunday . 

dont believe everything you think

A friend on on facebook posted: dont believe everything you think and finally I was inspired to feel free again.  My mood has been tottering a little recently.  I have been having a hard time in keeping up with it all.  This week I decided to cut myself enormous amounts of slack.  I decided that if I still felt overwhelmed with the work life balance I would cut back substantially on my working hours.  I freed myself for the constraints I had been feeling and lo and behold I was free again.  I follow the recovery method.  It is a very simple old fashioned method.  The fundamental basis is to manage our nervous symptoms and our responses.   Sometimes I let my imagination run away with me and cause no end of trouble for myself, all in my head, all not real at all.  It causes me just as much stress as if it were real.

So the lesson today is dont believe everything you think as it really might not be true.  Free yourself to deal only in the moment and be present.

carry no monkey food

Years ago I read "The One minute manager meets the monkey".  It describes the problems others being to you as monkeys.  If you take a problem from someone,then you take their money, you end up looking after it and feeding it.  I made a list of things to remember to do when I went back to work and one of them was to carry no money food.  I have been doing a bit clear out and I found the list.  I left work before Easter laden down with monkeys and promising to buy monkey food for them.  Hopefully many of the monkeys will have returned to their owners by the time I return next week.  So no more feeding the monkeys for me.

We all take on other peoples stuff.  I know I do.  Clearing out the house getting ready to move is reminding me of all the things I kept both physically and emotionally that I really should have given back or not taken in the first place.  The getting ready to move clear-out might be a bit premature as the offer I made on the house has not been accepted yet nor have I been approved for a mortgage, but it is a good incentive to do a major clear-out.

Sometimes we need to make space in our lives for new things to come to us.  I am making space mentally and physically as I let go of possessions and long held beliefs.

So bye bye old stuff I welcome the new.  Time to set those monkeys free.
So taday ask yourself:  What stuff are you holding onto that it is time to let go of?



Happy Wednesday. 

Recovery, communication and conciseness: the lightbulb moment.

My posts are generally a stream of consciousness thing; where I am trying to work out something and order my thoughts.  I decided to write two; an unedited one and an edited one.  This post is the edited version of my last one.

For weeks I have been getting that foggy confused feeling.  I know it precedes some kind of breakthrough for me; and finally this morning it arrived.  I realised last night that I need to be more aware of the effects of other peoples behavior on me and of mine on them. 

I spent the weekend with my family.  I had a lovely time.  I get very stressed about spending time with them as I feel so judged by them, ALL THE TIME, not just a little bit but everything I do and say.  They of course are probably not judging me, it is all in my head.  I just feel judged.  When I returned I called to a friends with the kids.  She shared wonderful news with me and I picked holes in it, to the point where I sucked all the joy out of it.  I realised that she was feeling a bit upset by what I was saying and I apologised.  After we continued the conversation she said - Oh its ok you were with your family this weekend I get it now.  My family is highly analytical and assesses everything that could possibly go wrong before they do anything.  I realised that I need to allow more time before and after events, to prepare and recover; in effect -  to transition.   

Now that I am more aware life is much easier.  I can hear what other people are saying to me in a slightly less filtered way.  I am leaning to listen.  I can see more of what is around me and interpreted it better.  I noticed that my sister in laws house was very symmetrical.  It was decorated in a specific thought out way.  My house just happens.  She edites her life and regularly clears out stuff and I dont.  We can learn things from everyone and it is time for me to learn how to edit my life.  There is probably a better word but thats it. 

We called the dog Mojo after Mojo Jojo of Powerful girls fame.  I think I speak mojo jojoish .  Last week I went on a technical report writing course.  I learned that I need to be more concise.  That there are two types of paragraphs; inductive and deductive.  I generally write deductive ones where I am trying to persuade and make the main point ant the end, if at all.  I also learned that I need to edit critically, and that the semi colon is out of fashion.    Having shaken off the straight jacket of respectability I will buck fashion trends and continue to use my favourite punctuation mark.



So today I will be more aware of what I am really trying to say, Being concise in my thinking will be quite difficult for me.  But here goes, no more mojo speak it now time for cat speak.  Never say a mumbling word.
Happy Monday.